Worry

I don't feel the past few weeks have been that great, I guess things are just hitting all at once and I'm not 100% emotionally stable right now.  We found out a couple weeks ago that our baby sitter of the past year and half is having to move.  The baby sitter that treats Annabelle as one of her own.  Annabelle adores her, her husband and her boys.  They have been so good to her.  We have started looking for sitters in Lexington since we dont' really want her to go to a daycare.  She has been so healthy and we hope that continues wherever she goes.  I feel horrible for this because during this time we got to see our second baby at the ultrasound.  I just don't feel that I can enjoy the new baby until we get the things settled with Annabelle and the sitter.  I am very thankful that I have not been anywhere as close to as sick as I was with Annabelle.  I have been more emotional this time around and I think thats one part of why I'm having such a rough time with this.  Of course I don't want to have to deal with this type of change and I worry that I will get someone who treats my child nearly as good as Jennifer did.  She was treated as one of their own at her house, she never cried for me when I would leave her and a time or two she would cry because she didn't want to leave and go home! 
I think the best thing and in a perfect world would happen is that I stayed home to care for my own children.  It is bad that we live in a world that I can't do that, we don't even have that many bills and still it would be very tight if thats the decision we came too.  Our bills are mostly just normal every day bills that everyone has.  We don't have credit card debt, big expensive car payments or anything like that.  I deeply deeply deeply regret going back to school to work on my master's.  Even if I had finished it before Annabelle it would not have been worth it.  That little extra student loan payment and its still less than most people have keeps me from being able to do what I want.  We have been smart with our money and made pretty good decisions and still it doesn't seem to be enough.  My job is a dead end job and my income keeps going down thanks to furloughs and lack of raises.  Everyone says I should appreciate the fact that I even have a job and that is true but doesn't really make me feel better when all my income goes to pay someone else to take care of my child. 
Everyone says things will work out and they are probably right, it just doesn't seem so at this moment.  Things don't seem to work out, this has been a bad year for me and I wish there were a lot of things that had happened different.  I am thankful that I do have a husband who I love and that loves me and a child that is the greatest in the world.  Life just hasn't been fair to my family this year.