Got Milk?

I think this is pretty funny --

Got Milk?
By Linda Sharp


Ever notice how one word can mean something totally different to different people? Like IDIOT. Some people consider it a word to identify a person of great stupidity. I on the other hand, think of it as a term of endearment for my husband. NUN. Most would tell you it refers to a female member of a religious order. My two year old would tell you it is what's left after she eats all the Goldfish and the box is empty. And then there is NURSE. Defined by Webster's as, "a person trained for the care of the sick or injured". Defined by me as, "the act of allowing one's breasts to stretch to grotesque proportions, on a regular basis, and sticking them in the mouth of an infant whose sole purpose in life is to suck them dry, only to have them fill back up again two hours later, ruining every shirt you possess, until one day the child stops and they swell no more, thus resulting in a rather sad, deflated version of ..." I'm rambling, aren't I? Sorry.

To nurse or not to nurse, that is a question every new mother faces. Unfortunately, while we are making our decision, we are also faced with pamphlets, books, doctors, leagues, groups, and friends trying to push us in one direction or another. There is a ton of propaganda out there for both sides. Personally, I say to heck with everyone else. It is ultimately between you, your boobs and your baby and you should do what feels and works best for you. I chose to nurse mine. A decision I have never regretted, except every night when I get out of the bathtub and stand in front of the mirror, pushing them back up where they used to live near my neck and then watching them fall back down to their new home near my navel... I'm rambling again. I do apologize.

What gets me about nursing though, is OTHER people's reactions. Generationally, my mother didn't understand why I would want to. She bottle fed me and I turned out fine, right? (This is from the same lady whose generation snuck whiskey into baby bottles for teething. Sure, it made the pain go away! A little Jack and Pablum could make rheumatism feel better!) Single friends were visibly curious, then disgusted as they watched let down stains slowly spread across my chest while waiting for the baby to wake up. Even my husband occasionally flinched when I would nurse. Oh wait. That's probably because I would squirt him from across the room with the unoccupied breast. Never mind.

Inevitably, at some point during your nursing . . . many points if you plan on having any semblance of a life . . . you will face the controversy of NURSING IN PUBLIC! There you are, walking calmly through the mall, enjoying being out in the real world, and the tiny bundle in the stroller erupts like Vesuvius. You recognize the cry as one of hunger. Your breasts recognize the cry (yes, your breasts have ears) and immediately begin to flow. I defy anyone to try to tell a hungry infant OR a pair of milk happy orbs, to be patient. So, I would pull out the blanket, cover up the proceedings and sit quietly on a bench. The looks I would receive ranged from understanding smiles (other moms) to curiosity (teenage boys) to downright disapproval (Reverend Falwell. I mean what was I hiding under that flannel cabana? Tinky Winky, I feel your pain.). One person was so intrigued, they sat down next to me and stared. I asked if I could see their ticket. What? Well, surely if you are going to watch the show, you paid admission at the door, didn't you? They quickly departed.

Yes, I suppose it is possible to run around and find a bathroom, fitting room, or rack of clothes to hide in, but I guess I will never understand the "boob phobia" that is out there. Honestly, have those people who think there is something sexual about the nursing breast, ever SEEN one? I can think of nothing farther from a turn-on! (And I am including Reverend Falwell!) And if a person is so offended by it being done, WHY ARE THEY WATCHING?

Whether you follow the bible or subscribe to Darwin, one thing is the same, breasts were put here for this purpose. A woman gives birth and they fill up with milk, thus enabling her to feed her offspring, if this is the method she so chooses. So, if nursing is a choice you make, be tolerant, remember it is a natural, beautiful thing, and that "Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder." But if that person ever sits down next to you in the mall to watch? You have my permission to change it to "MILK is in the eye of the beholder." Ready, aim, fire!

About the author:
Linda Sharp is an internationally recognized humorist who writes regularly on the joyous and frustrating world of parenting. Her work appears across the web and wraps around the globe to appear in publications from Canada to Malaysia to the USA. Linda is also co-creator of the totally irreverent and hysterical website, Sanity Central - A Time Out From Parenting!, located at http://www.sanitycentral.com. With a cartoon cast of experts, Sanity Central is packed with enough humor for a week's worth of laughter time-outs!

While her own life provides endless inspiration for her writing, she welcomes input and feedback from other parents! She may be reached via email at lsharp03@aol.com.


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